How to Be an Awful Process Server

Writing about process serving can get a bit tiresome. It’s a lot of legalese and boring answers to simple questions. So I decided it would be fun to do a reversal, and write about how to be an awful process server.

Maybe you’ll dig it.

How to be an awful process server

  1. Don’t call your clients back, ever. Make them wait days, weeks, for your call. Clients love this. It reminds them that you’re the boss—the one calling all the shots.
  2. Never market. I mean really, who needs clients anyway? Besides, you’ll get a lot of referral business from the clients you already ignore.
  3. Buy a lot of survivalist gear and watch every installment of Die Hard. You need to be prepared for anything, including foreign spies. Forget spending precious start-up capital on something practical—you’ve got to have those night vision goggles and the latest in self-defense equipment.
  4. Bang on doors like the police and throw your weight around. This will undoubtedly get you into some kind of altercation—the perfect opportunity to prove how tough (and stupid) you are.
  5. Charge the cheapest rates. That way, you can spend all your time driving around town for clients who don’t value your services.
  6. Fake a proof of service every now and then. It’s way easier just to get paid without doing the work (until you get caught).
  7. Scream “YOU’VE BEEN SERVED!” at everyone. People just love that. Trust me.
  8. And did I mention, never call your clients back?

Of course, if you want to be a successful process server, don’t do any of those things, particularly faking a return or service or stomping around like the police. This is the real world. Treat people like crap and things can get ugly real quick.

The best process servers are master communicators. They stay organized, follow up in a timely manner with clients, and diffuse situations before they escalate.

Tough guys get nowhere.